Living with a narcissistic man can turn any relationship into a total nightmare. Instead of having a partner who is capable of giving you emotional support when things go wrong in your life, you are always going to be treading on eggshells while they throw more tantrums than Elton John.
So if this sounds like the relationship from Hell, what are the tell-tale narcissistic husband traits you should look out for before tying the knot?
First and foremost, there are different degrees of narcissism. A small tendency towards narcissism is relatively healthy—placing some importance on self means that you are unlikely to act as a doormat to those around you. But a high degree of narcissism can lead to a very dysfunctional relationship.
Narcissists can be very intense in the early stages of a relationship. They bombard you with love and attention and place you on a pedestal, literally sweeping you off your feet. But unfortunately this person is very often not what they appear to be and before long their true colors begin to shine.
If you are married to a narcissistic man, you are going to have to accept the fact that a narcissistic husband will never love you more than he loves himself.
Narcissists are selfish
Any person with narcissistic tendencies is incredibly selfish to the point where they genuinely believe that the rest of the world revolves around them. Consequently, one of the main narcissistic husband traits is an intense preoccupation and absorption with self.
Narcissists are only interested in themselves
They are not interested in your life because they are far too busy focusing on their own needs, preferences, and potential pathways to success.
Narcissists are controlling
Narcissistic husbands are very often extremely controlling and manipulative. They will try to isolate you from your friends and family so that you are more dependent on them.
Narcissists are petty and cruel
Withholding affection and attention is one way to control you, but they can also be verbally cruel and take pleasure from provoking you with hurtful words because they find it entertaining.
Narcissists can act like children
Many narcissistic husbands are prone to ranges and tantrums, rather like a toddler. It is a form of attention seeking, and just like a spoiled child, any attention is good, even if it involves making you cry.
Narcissists are blameless in their minds
A refusal to accept responsibility is a classic trait of a narcissistic husband. No matter what goes wrong, it will never be their fault. They will be quick to blame you for their failures, even when the finger of blame is pointing squarely at them.
Narcissists are allergic to the truth
Many narcissistic husbands are also pathological liars. They will try and manipulate you with a complex web of lies and half truths. Their highly selective memory will filter out the truth and they will probably accuse you of being at fault.
Narcissistic men will lie about everything in an attempt to justify their behavior, but if you dare to question their version of the truth, they will probably lash out in anger or come up with an even more absurd lie to explain away the inconsistencies in their story.
Other traits of a narcissistic husband include a tendency towards addictive behavior, infidelity, violence and cruelty.
Visit our new website dedicated to Narcissism and Narcissistic relations at TheNarcissisticLife.com
My husband is the unsuspecting type…quiet, seems to be well mannered, etc. It’s with me that he shows his true colors. We’ve been married over 33 years and I am wondering who he is. I have always laughed off his “I look good for my age” stuff, and honestly, didn’t realize how distant we were until the kids were grown and I wasn’t involved like I once was. Around 4 years ago, he got a day job..all the years before he worked nights so I never saw the drinking nor heard the foolishness and nonsense that isn’t really a normal way to think or talk. Bob was here a lot more and I thought it was going to be great. We talked about all the things we would finally do as a couple, just like other couples do.
I started to see it was HE that would be doing things, not us. It started slowly, as it always does, but the drinking increased and the alone time he spent most certainly did too. He found all this time to “relax”, meaning doing HIS thing. Bob has always been a victim of life, and now he felt this was his turn to enjoy life…I had an injury that needed surgery around this same time, and guess what? Bob was in his man cave blasting his music and drinking heavily. Occasionally, he’d come upstairs to check on me, but hours would go by..okay, maybe I was making a big deal about nothing. The drinking and his alone time increased from that time…we rarely did the things we talked about doing. Bob was consumed with listening to music and thinking he was still going to be a rock star someday…he can play, but he is not a great musician, like he feels he is. He even tried to give the neighbor some advice on being a better musician, that ticked him off and he hasn’t talked to us since. Okay, another thing that could have been a misunderstanding. Still consumed with music, his guitar, and alcohol, Bob just wants to be left alone. He says I am mean for not wanting him to be happy. Geesh.
I lost my father two years ago and we were so close, I can’t even describe. Bob knows how close we were, yet he barely comforted me in any way..back off to drinking and music and leaving me alone to sort it all out. Did I mention that he doesn’t seem interested in sex? He is afraid if he initiates something, he won’t be able to finish it, so therefore, he doesn’t try. That is because alcohol comes first and when he is drinking, well, he can’t perform..rather than not drink or put aside a date night, just once a week, he says I am making a big deal out of nothing.
This takes us to May 2020 when he was on vacation and left each evening to drive to his little cabin in the woods so that he could play music, drink, and be left alone….On this particular day, I apparently said, “Stay as long as you’d like”….Bob came home late, around 11:30, and I was sleeping. The next morning I went out to take the trash, and I noticed all this damage to his car. The driver’s side mirror was missing, there was a hole, yes a hole, in the hood..grass and mud all along the side and front..another area on the back driver’s side that was damaged. It was a mess and it was apparent he drove through something. Bob finally wakes up and I tell him what I saw and ask him what happened. He had no memory but said he sort of recalls brushing against tree branches..doesn’t know where either. So, we go and drive back and forth from the way he would have driven home, looking for car parts in the road. What we did find were tire marks through two front lawns and a missing mail box..Bob went left to center, through the yards, and somehow, came back on the road without hitting someone or being hit..he then drove 10 min home without remembering! How scary. I was p!ssed and also concerned that someone was going to sue us when they found out. Bob tells me if I hadn’t told him to stay longer, this wouldn’t have happened and he would have been home hours earlier and would have continued drinking at home instead! Now, It’s MY fault he drove drunk?! Bob then said this was a wake up call, meaning he would be more careful, not get help nor stop drinking, just careful about drinking and driving. Okay…The stress caused my immune system to go crazy and I was hospitalized and still being treated. Another story, but Bob was barely there for that either.
So here we are, Jan 2021 and he is still drinking 7 nights a week. He thinks going to work satisfies his duty as a husband. Nothing else gets done around here anymore. I even had to put a door handle on myself since he didn’t want to bother. When he’s drinking, he tells me things like telling some young girl at work to stop by when he’s at the cabin, just to say hello. Apparently, she knows people who go there. Seems innocent enough, but if some 60ish guy told me to stop by, I’d think he’s a creeper. Since Bob thinks his looks are preserved, he feels a little superior on that level and assumes even young girls find him attractive still..it makes me cringe. Last night he told me about another girl at work that he thinks he has impressed, which is so weird because he is quiet and shy normally..did he really flirt with her in real life or in his mind, and why is he telling ME?! I think the addiction has changed his brain and I am concerned about how he processes life. One night he slept 3 hours, got up in a hurry and got ready for work, only to find out, it was in the middle of the night…he brushed it off and said he was glad he had more hours to sleep. Of course, he was drinking before he went to bed. I don’t know what his going on, but something is. I don’t really think he has girls come to his cabin, but I think he wishes he did. After all, I am the problem because I have asked him to get help.
Bob never, ever does anything wrong..he is the type person who knows about EVERYTHING, yet has no knowledge of anything because he has no cell, no computer, no access to the outside world, yet knows it all. It is impossible to have any type of a conversation with this man anymore. His mom is even worse and that is where he gets it. What’s a person to do with such a selfish, know it all guy?
I’d love to leave, and I will if I ever get the chance. Look at the signs, people..they are there, right in front of us. When people are more concerned about themselves, it’s true, not in our heads.
Hi! I understand your conditions. Get out, make yourself happy. I was married 32 years then divorced. He kept telling me I would never make it on my own. WRONG! It is now so helpful with all the information on Pinterest and Google about the people that disrespect you. You deserve better. Remember you get half.
See a lawyer. Two or three, until you settle on one. I don’t have much respect for lawyers, they often work together. Addictions come in different forms such as illegal drugs, to prescription drugs, to pοrn, to alcohol then mix in health health issues. There is no end. I can related to your story. I was even an advocate for battered women. I knew what was going on. I denied it in my mind, saying it can’t get worse but it did.
Men like this will never be the marrying kind and should never put a woman through this.
Rita
I wonder what your husband’s relationship with his mother is like. You didn’t give much about his mother but it sounds like she is pretty dysfunctional. From what you wrote about him it sounds like he is suffering more from mother-son enmeshment. It is a very disturbing issue that destroy men’s lives. Enmeshment causes certain traits that overlap with those of narcissism but these two problems are different. I would encourage you to look up mother-son enmeshment and see if that fits with your husband.
I relate to so much of your experience. I have been married for 25 years and have 2 sons 17 and 21. My husband has attempted to isolate me from friends and family whilst going out whenever he wanted sometimes for days. If I went out he would sulk ignore me and refuse to watch our boys. He would constantly phone me asking where I was and when I would be home. I eventually stopped going out. On Xmas eve he went out and didn’t return til late Xmas night very drunk. My 21 year old would not let him in our home and I have refused to allow him to return. I am amazed at how calm and stress free our home is. I am only now learning who I am again. I had no idea how damaged I was. I have been on medication for anxiety and depression for 20 years. I still feel that I shouldn’t go out and socialize but am trying to take small steps. As the only stable parent and role model for my sons I am so thankful they are such amazing people. I made so many excuses for my husbands behavior it’s embarrassing.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Your experience is like looking in the mirror with mine
Married 33 years
Blamed me for having no friends
When my parents passed away, he was incapable of supporting me through my grief
When I had my knee surgery his was not there, he denied knowing which hospital I was in
He use to tell me, the young girls give him the come on looks
Wouldn’t go out to dinner with just us, once the children left home.
Yes Kiddo, A covert narcissist! I dealt with mine for 17 plus years It’s ridiculous He’s so selfish and then he makes up lies and over time he believes them. He has isolated my daughter from me a year before he filed for divorce. Then he turned around to tell me that I cheated on him and because we’re a family he’s going to let my daughter know. She comes over every other weekend and often find myself after she is here listening to the wizard app messages that he twists and manipulates to make me look bad.
I am currently living the same life except my husband is addicted to work, sports and being in control of everything. We’ve been married 16 years together 23 and it’s just getting very hard to stay in this. He is a completely different person at work and in front of others then when he is at home. He’s verbally and mentally, abusive , cruel, has no empathy, is rarely home amongst many other issues. I have had stomach issues within the last 3 years and extreme anxiety. It’s such a lonely feeling being with someone like this. I’ve tried everything and we are currently in therapy now but we go and he does nothing to change anything. I have 3 kids and am a normally happy person but this is just draining physically and mentally.
Variation on my ex husband. Yes, he was a covert Narcissist. He always thought, he was much younger looking than his contemporaries. Frequently commented about it. He was appauled high school girls addressed him as sir. In his opinion, he didn’t look that old. Drank like a sieve whenever we or he was out. It loosened his tongue and inhibitions- making passes at waitresses 1/2 his age, in front of me. Etc. You know the behavior. It doesn’t get better. He bought motorcycles one after another, each more expensive. He had to impress, the women in the club. No empathy when either of my parents died. Presumed, he had suffered so in life. He got thoroughly wasted and gave me a letter wanting a divorce. He had it down to what he wanted out of the furniture & his 401K. Geezer genius couldn’t read a financial statement. He interpreted it as blending of our assets. My financial guy only had my numbers after my forced retirement. Mine was worth twice his. Ass put it in writing in that letter, he just wanted his, half the value of the house. So that’s what he got but not all the pieces of furniture he wanted. Too bad. Get out. You’ll be amazed how much better you will feel. I kept thinking, he’d get over his Presumed slights in life, his anger, and idiotic attitudes. Nope. His mistress dumped him, quickly, too. Get out now. He won’t wise up & see you’re a gem for putting up with him. He will just get more resentful and snide. You deserve better. Don’t waste more of your life.
Yes. My father is one. We, his family, sufferd almost thirty years under this cruel man. And on the end he killed my mother. In a passive way. She was only 59. When she got a heartattack he didn’t help her. I couldn’t believe it when he told me that. But as it is with narcissists: no one will believe you when you tell normal people about this kind of things. When I was young he told me “no one will believe you”. And that’s how it is.
I’m currently married and still living with my 15 year old daughter and him. We both have made our fair share of mistakes. However he will NEVER own his. It’s always my fault, or my mistake was worse then his. We have been off and on for 4 years 1 1/2 of those years we were apart completely. He dated other women, even one who broke up with him and then decided to message me! I told her then he was nothing but a narcissist and if she didn’t know what that was then she needed to look it up. Sad I already knew. But somehow I talked myself out of it. And he damn well helped! I dated one other guy. That I constantly compared my narc husband to. I NEVER got over him and when i was just starting to “let go” he pops back up! Although it’s my fault. I happened to see him, taking my mom to work one day, passing him up on the side of the road. And of course me being the empathetic person I am decided to message him. Keeping in mind we did keep in contact after the split. (Huge Mistake) I now know why he kept me on the “friend” side, turns out he had cancer. Legit, because he showed me proof and stated that “you may not believe me” (that lead to showing proof) and on and on, talking that bait crap. And I screwed up by even cracking the door for him to stick his foot in. He used the victim tactic on me. So after we got back together, we decided this time would be different, go to church, beg God for his life, and praying for our marriage to be mended. Needless to say, he was using me to not die. I was with him through it all. (His biggest fear is death.) The chemo the sickness, I cooked and made sure he ate something. Hell, I found out what type of cancer he had before the doctor did! I was with him through the sit baths and through the burn marks from the heating pad that he used to help with the pain. (Now he gives credit to my 15 yr. old daughter bc he is sabotaging me.) So of course this goes on. Then he hits remission starts in with a pain clinic. And that’s when things started to change rapidly……. he get an auto garage (me knowing he never finishes anything) even though I tried to give him my opinion, he throws it to the side and opens it. It gets to where I can look at his phone, but of I do, i dont trust him! So he gets mad, he gives me the option then gets mad when I do!. And states “I’m going to MAKE you trust me” so he takes the option of me looking, and takes it away by throwing a fit of I do? I mean come on…. how did I not see this? Anyway, what o didn’t mention was that when I took him back, we had an agreement to go get marriage counseling if things started going back to the old ways. So in two different situations I bring it up! Even told him this when we split this last time. I asked him about going and both times he said no! We actually talk about this going down the road now, and I cant remember how the conversation got.to that but he said something about going to marriage counseling, and I blasted it in his face. And of course “you never asked me” is what I heard. So i told him “I asked you twice!!!!. Not ONCE but TWICE. And I remember because I was devastated by you lying to me.” And…. he shut up. Felt like I won…. but was just beginning this war.
I kicked him out. At the same time made a mistake. I was contacted by his brother, we talked, we were both unhappy in our relationships. We both had lust for one another, so I guess we thought it was ok. And well…… it wasn’t and now I get it and other past events held up over my head. So I have become completely submissive, I wont fight with him. But I KNOW who he IS. Who he really is and I have now seen a side I had never seen before. I’m currently in motion to find a section 8 housing for financial support for my daughter. I’m trying to move closer to my younger daughter. We will see if I can get help. Thanks for reading.
I understand how you feel, it comes a time when you need to respect yourself and seek your peace, joy and happiness. Seek God, these type of men have no mercy and they will reduce you in front of anyone to look good or in control. But reality is they have no self esteem, they fear, no confidence and are hiding behind everything they do to feel superior. They are able to manipulate anyone, even counselors. They won’t be able to spot it out on them because they are professionals at hiding it. Fight for you and your daughters, we only have one life to live. Be blessed and happy!
My daughter was 15 when he started working on her alienating her when I would come home from work They would constantly go out to eat every softball game she would go directly to his truck and leave. He filed for divorce 2 hours prior to me and convinced her with gifts and manipulation to move in with him. Please don’t leave him until your kids are 18 and older. The my manipulation is unreal.
I honestly believe that I am married to a narc too. For 13 years i have been with this man and every day is something different. His attitude changes daily. One minute he’s a good person and next he’s always arguing for no reason, talking loudly, making you feel as if you’re wrong and to blame for everything wrong in his life. I have been unhappy for as long as I can remember. There is hardly any happy moments. We have three kids together and I stay because of them. There are days when I cry myself to sleep. He belittles me and makes me feel like it’s a bad thing to shave my legs and wear a dress to work or look nice. He says I am always going out looking for men and having sex with my co workers with I go to work. He wants to know my every move during the day. He wants to know the password to my phone and tells me I have things to hide because my phone is locked. It’s a never ending cycle. The constant accusations has made me fall for another man. One who makes sure that I am ok and safe and happy. It’s hard but it’s the only thing that puts a smile on my face at the end of the day. I don’t know what the future holds for me and my husband because people with these traits never change. I may never be happy unless I leave him but GOD alone knows.
I was married to a narc for 21 years. Thankfully no children. I finally woke up and left him after he tried to strangle me twice in one night.
He never really loved me. Just loved what I could do for him. He never had a job. I supported us both. He used my wages as his own. Gambled. Drank. Used drugs. And obviously had numerous woman on the go. Yet I foolishly thought”but he’s with me”
I left……. and life is sweet.
Kim, I have been married with a narcissist for 9 years and we have been together one more year after divorce. We have 4 wonderful kids together, and I have cheated on him after the 3rd one because he was treating me like his maid, with no rights, but duties.
Its been one year since he left me (for the 3rd time) and I can say I am feeling wonderful and free. I am peaceful and my kids can benefit of a calm, loving mom, with no other worries on her mind.
Being alone with 4 kids is heaven compared to the hell of a marriage without love and reciprocity.
Hugs!
Thank you thank you for being honest and being women enough to share ur story its 3am where I am im outaide in my driveway and cant get myself to go in the house almost like if i dont go to sleep I wont have to wake. Up to another day of this 24 hours of untrue crazy nonsence im so tired i have also had affairs and all it did was involve people that had no clue what they would have to deal with childish nonsense and embarrassing seasons and as for me i hold on and pray my 13 year old son will have a better life and all the things he needs.not just want but to never have to worry about food medicin and any nessity kids should nt have to think about I know you understand what many dont please pray for me and i will for you also God bless you
Oy
Please don’t stay for your children. Bc he’s doing the same to them, playing mind games.
I was like you, I stayed married not only for our son, but because I was so mentally abused I thought if I left I would be abandoning him.
Guess what love when I started opening my mouth He left me, got engaged and is now having another child with some other victim. He is a horrible father to our child, and I have zero doubt he will be just as miserable to his second.
Get out! And NOW! It will be hard financially but you will get thru. I never wanted to be a 42 yr old cashier, single mother but I’m Free. And I’m a darn good mother, raising a man without one.
Good Luck
Ps. Always remember no matter what anyone says, its him not you.
I have a very similar situation but my kids are older now. I am in the divorce process. My advice is not to get into another relationship until you can love yourself. Lean on friends and family to help you heal and gain your self respect and confidence back. Best of luck to you.
So I believe that my husband is a narcissist. We will bearly have a year of being married and in that time while dating and being married he has made me quit my job because he didn’t like how I spend a lot of my time there. I stopped talking to a lot of my friends that he didn’t like, I distanced myself from my family because he didn’t like them, he also made my 10yr son call him dad, he has emotionally and physically cheated on me and i forgave him. We both have been physicall with eachother but mostly him. Now he has left the house again and doesn’t want to work on our marriage and I find myself lost and wanting him back home. It feels like My life is shattering like I’m lost and there’s this void. I did everything to try to make him happy but everything was my fault. At times I feel crazy because I believe that maybe it is my fault he would say “B****** like you need to get slapped” “your the reason I cheated on you” “you don’t satisfy my needs” but then would apologize and be loving. I’m lost and confused right now I don’t know if I should file for a divorce. I still want my marriage to work
Get out now!!!!
Please leave…… runnnnnnn!
SPOT ON. I was here a little over 3 short years ago. And all I can say is this is spot on. Healing is possible ! It is so possible and so BEAUTIFUL. TO ALL OF YOU IN THE THICK OF IT, YOU CAN COME OUT ON THE OTHER SIDE! HAPPINESS AND HEALING IS POSSIBLE. LEAVE AS SOON AS YOU CAN AND N E V E R LOOK BACK !
Unbelievable.
I didn’t understand alcoholism – and married one, at 22. I was grateful when, 25 years later, he finally left with one of his women. I raised the children he abandoned…and then, not understanding narcissicism, married one of those!! Like getting out of a horrible prison…and voluntarily going back in.
I can only hope I don’t live much longer – or, at least, he doesn’t. I’m too old to leave – nowhere to go, and can’t get a decent job, now. God help me.
I was married to a narcissist for 30 years. He was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive. He was controlling and manipulative. There were times it was so bad that I wanted to take my own life … and I might have, if it were not for my two little girls that needed me.
He tried to smother me when I was pregnant with our first child, which caused me to go into labor early and I almost lost the baby. I don’t know why I stayed after that. I was young and scared. We had only been married for a year, and I had nowhere to go. And of course, I thought he would change. All these excuses seem foolish to me now. But back then, I thought I loved him and wanted my marriage to work.
The last physical altercation we had, he tried to strangle me, and then knocked me down and walked away laughing. I knew then that I was done. I started getting my affairs in order. And the day after my youngest daughter’s wedding, I left him. That was 8 years ago. And I have never looked back. I have never enjoyed this kind of peace in my life. Ever. I came from an abusive home and then married an abusive man. I am 62 years old and this is the first time in my life that I can put the key in the lock of my door and not be afraid of what is waiting for me on the other side.
My only regret is that I didn’t leave sooner … for my sake and for my children. My oldest daughter has low self esteem (like me) and also married a narc. She is getting a divorce after 15 yrs. of marriage (no children, thank goodness).
My advice is to get out while you can. THEY DON’T CHANGE!
How did you get away? My husband isn’’t physically abusive, but I can’t take the emotional abuse or disregard for my physical boundaries anymore. I have 2 kids 4 & under and a 3rd on the way. I have been looking for a full time job, but haven’t found any yet.
I want out, but I feel so trapped!
My ex husband was emotionally abusive for ten years and then one day he kicked me across the room. Unfortunately, that’s what it took for me to finally leave. The police got involved then and told me I should leave immediately for my own safety so I did. I left with nothing and finally felt the peace from God. Please find your way to safety if you haven’t already.
That’s true.. The question is when to take the plunge.. I can connect with you on this because of similar circumstances.. But I am scared.. After reading what you’ve shared I felt as if I am reading my own story.. Just that you have gone past that and I am still in the midst of all the drama..
Take care..
After reading all of the comments that have been posted, I found myself with two big tears running down my face. I am currently going through a divorce from a narcissistic sociopath husband, and can relate to what everyone is saying. I could give you countless examples of the pain that I endured during our 10 yr. marriage, but I have decided to no longer let him take anymore life out of me. ( My personal favorite, calling the police because I was talking, while he was eating dinner),
I loved my husband. What he loved, simply stated, was me loving him. No more, no less. I am still coming to terms with that, and yes, it is difficult. I had focused so much of my time and energy in trying to make him happy, or keep him happy for more than a brief period, that I could barely recognize myself anymore. I finally realized that bending over backwards, juggling balls of fire, wouldn’t have been enough for him. His glass was always half empty, and it always will be.
The two big tears were for those who find themselves still having to endure the life of walking on eggshells, never knowing when the carpet is going to get pulled out from under you. IT DOESN’T GET BETTER, YOU CANNOT FIX HIM.
The roller coaster that you ride in this type of relationship, doesn’t come with a safety net. The emotional damage from this marriage haunts me and will take me some time to repair. I remind myself that I am strong, I am capable, and I am worthy of having happiness in my life, we all are. So at 53, here I am, starting a new life. I’m sure it won’t be so easy, and I will have my fair share of highs and lows, but at least I feel alive again. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE!
I’m also 53 been married to a narcissist for 30 years and going through divorce proceedings at the moment. It’s not easy as he wants to take it all and leave me with nothing and because of that the whole process is taking longer than I had hoped. I think I was in complete denial about who he was because I loved him and foolishly thought that it would be enough. I feel completely depleted and holding on by my fingernails. Praying that things will be over soon.
To everyone who has and who is going through this I validate you I admire your tenacity and I send you love and blessings
I am married to a narc
..realized he was about a year ago. He is controlling to point where he had my car bugged. He knew my every move. He and I separated at one point but he kept trying to win me back. At the same time he moved a woman in with him and her kids. I have been cheated on, lied to, emotionally abused and verbally abused. He was never there when I needed him emotionally. I went through pain alone. He said he loved me but never showed it. I am finally leaving him. I can’t do it anymore. Life is too short to be unhappy.
Thank you! This is something I really needed to hear right now.
Advice?
Been married for 18 years. Everyone knows how selfish he is. The first thing his mother told me when she found out he was going to ask me to marry him is, about how selfish he is. (Talk about pot calling the kettle) It took years but finally saw it was something more than just selfishness. He can go from 0 to 100 in the anger scale. But he isn’t violent towards me. It is super important he is viewed as a “nice guy”. But he can verbally abuse like it’s his job. He doesn’t hold back ever on that. Even his co-workers have called him out on it. But of course he is always right even if takes it a little to far.
If a mistake, flaw, or if it is pointed out how he was wrong and he is backed into a corner where he really can’t deny it. Then he spirals into a depression type of state and talks about how he is a failure and where did he go wrong. He tries to relate the mistake to a decision from years ago, like choosing the wrong college major or something else that really makes no sense. Which can put you in a mind set of oh crap, I must help him. I have learned to walk away and let him be “depressed” Keep in mind it is just an act for sympathy.
It is quite impressive, the acts of victim he willplays out. It can be very theatrical. I usually walk away and leave the room. He is also very attention seeking, in community services or work. Then will be like, Can’t believe I am in the spot light again!! I just want to do my job and come home.
The one point in most articles on narcissist I would argue with is the cheating. To me that is a separate problem not a narcism thing. Do narcissist cheat? yes but not a requirement. My husband plays video games. He will play for 18 hours a day sometimes. Many times he rushes home from work or other things to play. Every-time when our son was little I would give a time out on games but he would come home and engage our son on a game. Under-minding me as a parent. If I ever did anything to under-mind him as a parent we had a problem.
He is also the most passive aggressive person I have ever met. But if anyone ever display passive aggressive tendency in any way he will call you out and you would get a lecture.
I finally had enough when I had some medical issues and he just couldn’t be there for me.
Our kids are still in school. I feel like if I leave it would be worst than staying. I see why many will wait until the kids are in college to leave.
At least now we all know how to tip toe around him. But I am just so tired. I know I shouldn’t have to live the way I am living. I know other families that just don’t have to do it.
I have been a stay at home wife and mom for majority of the years. He is supportive in what I decide. I am taking steps in getting back out in the work force because I do want to leave. He does use it to his advantage. Making professional connections, inserting himself into situations setting things up so he is the “nice guy”.
Right now the battles I choose to have with him are over money. He is a child when it comes to money matters. For us to afford to be separated the money issues has to be fixed.
I am right there with you, I have been married got 35 years this year. Busy getting established, then with kids, I never realized things weren’t quite right until The kid activities were gone and I had no friends. I worked at my family company for 15 years, at the same time my kids were out of school, we closed the business. He had s for if I asked about going to East grab a drink after work with friends. Couldn’ti just go home and wait for him, then we can both go. I am never separate from him, groceries, shopping, eating. I missed alot of time with my mom and dad to. But I just feel so bad like it’s my fault if o think about leaving. He always says he wouldn’t know what to do without me. But I’m so tired of being made fun if by him front if our friends, nothing I want to change annoy the house is right, he is right no matter what, talks annoy people and stupid they are out hire bad at driving they are… it’s all there, I’m just a wimp who can’t leave..,🤦♀️
I am presently dating a narcissist , and recently I was nearly killed while being run over by a car while crossing the street.. He blamed me for it, even though there was video and it wasn’t my fault! Then he was worried about how badly I looked and what it means for us! He then complained about his injuries from stepping on a nail and how he is doing!
Yes, he is my narcissist boyfriend and a complete insensitive jerkoff ! I have reluctantly accepted it now while recovering from my painful accident…
I have decided to behave like a selfish whore who thinks only of herself! I refused to see him unless he brought me cool “get well” gifts, he is waiting on me, is doing my laundry, and now sex is when and how I want it because of my injuries! It took me losing what remained of my self respect due to pain to finally be unaccepting of his manipulations based on narcissism !
I can’t believe I put up with him and his narcissism for two years but I’m old and now deformed ugly-! I’m free of him due to an accident flawing me ,but I like being free ! I am over waiting for his needs and hoping I was pleasing to his frustrated controlling, OCD, perfectionistic, anal retentive, and narcissistic sorryful existence! Stay away if you can from a narcissist it’s boring!
Dump him ASAP. It does NOT get better.
Where are you.in the equation. I took 5 years to heal after his death.
They all get worse. There is no reason to get better if you stay. YOU ARE Only reinforcing what they believe about life and themselves. I left my narc after 11 years. My job, friends, neighbors, and co=workers helped me go. I was lucky to have a full time job that taught me to love myself and look out for me and my kids first. My first year after I left was hell. I would wake up gasping in my sleep in realizing I was alone, and feeling alone. I had my hair fall out. I worked two jobs, as well as raising two boys. I received food stamps and Medicaid for a year. But I moved to a full time job, living in my own and knowing that I could do all of that without a husband. It wasn’t easy, but It was possible. I stressed to my children that I could save them and support them because I finished college and that was something they had to do. They both hold full time jobs, with college degrees and are in happy full time relationships. My ex went from woman to woman. Got one pregnant, married her. She wound up supporting him until he died. She even changed jobs to help him get better. I pursued child support through the federal system. And I got it, a minimun, but I got it. Then $10000 after his death. Yea!! Never give up. YOu and your kids are worth it.
Was together for 13 yrs to my wife, married 9 of those. We have 2 beautiful children together. I met my now ex wife during the divorce of my 1st, horrible I know ironically I did not make 1st move she did, but anyways reason my ex divorced me was mainly because she said I was an emotional vampire, narcissist. Add to the fact that later in relationship I drank, texted and spoke or met other women. Even so far as getting intimate with them however sadly before the big moment so to speak each time i could not perform. Yes i guess its justice in a way, maybe a warning. But to be honestly graphic i never achieved coitus. All these behaviors were wrong on my part, all unforgivable and I don’t blame her for what she did. However I do disagree with how she ended it. A whole year I tried keeping my act together but in that time she I guess got other ideas and said she missed the convienence of me, not me in general. Started her own bank account, and generally went about separating herself. Tried marriage therapy because she said it was 50/50 on us, found out after 3 months I or we had wasted money and therapy time because she handed me divorce papers and she had an outlash at therapy. Now divorced and ahe does her thing and I do mine. I however do not want to be what I was and how not to. I live my life as best I can while constantly hearing and reading posts how I’m a narc, and narcs make terrible fathers. I want to change. I will change. But sometimes I think why bother cause no-one will believe me again. No-one will love me again. It’s so lonely. If that is what a narc life is I don’t want to keep living. Only thing stopping me is my 2 kids who I don’t have custody of, but get visitation with. I think they would suffer the most, but I don’t know what yo do. I know i messed up and want to change but it seems once labeled a cheating narc you might as well die right? Thoughts?
You are what you choose to be. Go to therapy, you have a lot of work to do on you
Go to Pathways and figure out why you do the things you do. Its based in Texas. But it will be the best money spent for you and for your kids. If you want to be better you need to actually work on it.
So very true. After 20 yrs married I left him. He couldn’t believe it!! It just takes Knowing a leopard does not change his spots. I am in therapy and have been for 30 yrs now.
Then you should change, and try to see the errors of your ways. Try to have empathy and see other’s points of view. It is not the label of narc that is hurting you, it’s the things you do to hurt people and not care about their feelings.
I’m no expert by any means but to hear anyone say they don’t wanna live anymore really breaks my heart. I never realized what a narcissist was until recently. My husband is unlike anyone I have ever known. Trust me he lets me know on a regular basis and our relationship can be quite the challenge at times.
Sense reading all the articles on narcissism I found it rather upsetting that the only solution they had to being in a relationship with a narcissist is to run….
REALLY….. That is the most horrible, selfish, uncompationate bunch of carp I have ever heard.
You sir have a personality disorder… and the mere fact that you have admitted this and feel bad for the things you have done only tells me that you have what the “experts” say you lack and that is COMPASSION.
Now I can’t speak for your ex but surely she knew you were “different” from the start. The infidelity would be the worst and that is pretty much unforgivable. For most of us anyway. Hopefully you can work that out on your own. Meanwhile that doesn’t mean there isn’t someone out there who will love you… Your faults and all.
I am going on 51 yrs young. Been married 3 times. Each of them my “soulmates” so I thought. Nope not until I met my present husband. All I can say is I WILL NOT RUN as they say to do. I will stay and fight for my marriage and live each day by the vows I said to him 5 yrs ago. I hope this has helped if even in the smallest way. Good luck, keep looking up, and PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP
Don’t give up on yourself. Once you’ve come to accept that something is wrong, you can begin the process of change. Make a note of the things you do that don’t seem right and what you can do instead. Focus on positivity. Think about what you want to achieve and work in it.
I have been married to a narcissist for 15 years . This is my second marriage, divorced 25 years, kids grown when I met my current one. During the time of dating and living together it was hard to tell, but I thought so, but I thought it was something I could handle. I first noticed his petty, self centered all about me behavior about 6 months after marriage during my sons wedding. Everything became about him being mistreated because my ex and I were standing together during picture time and his jealously all got worse . I have heard him on the phone talking about me and my family to his family and blaming me for everything that has went wrong, but if right it is all about him. I have caught him lying, flirting and having secret a account, but he never tales any blame for his actions. If someone makes him angry (small things)he yells at me all the way home. I have reached the end of the road on this marriage, but it is still hard to leave and start over. I am, and have always been a strong independent woman and I know that I have to go for myself!
It only gets worse. Get out now!
I am married to a narcissist – after having dated him off/on for 5 yrs. I knew what he was – my Dad was a narc so I was used to being in a dysfunctional/abusive family. Most things that would bother “normal” people were second nature to me. Not saying it was right – but it was something I was familiar with and thought I could handle it. I didn’t even move in with him. Kept my own house since my job was here – he lives an hour away. At first, things were fine.. Then the mask started to slip — Yes, they are the MOST selfish, self absorbed, insensitive predators on the face of the Earth. They rewrite history, tell you that you are the crazy one, deny, lie, gaslight, twist the facts, offer half truths, treat you like crap on their shoe.. and the worst.. I HATE BEING BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING. He takes accountability for zero. He even blamed me for making HIS sweatshirt dirty!! ! Do I wear his clothes???? THey dump their vile venom on to you – you are the receptacle for their self hatred. They turn their families against you – make you the scapegoat – and LOVE to pit other people against you. They are the worst gossips in the World – and will stab you in the back the second you turn around while proclaiming how much they love you. They MAY be dependent on you for their “Supply” — be it sex, food, money, companionship, status, public image, etc.. but that is NOT love.
Why am I still involved with this guy? I am 67 yrs old. Self employed ( we combined NOTHING financially) and he provides supplemental insurance and a possible pension .. IF I LIVE THAT LONG and he DIES FIRST. You want to stay with a narc? Protect yourself. Don’t EVER LET THEM DEFINE WHO YOU ARE…. and stay detached. When they are miserable to you – leave the room. Stay calm ( do not feed their egos by tossing a fresh supply of drama in their lap. THEY LOVE DRAMA)….. and go gray rock.
I know my situation is a bit different – and I have the “luxury” of escaping……… and the reason he doesn’t give me a hard time about living on my own.. is that he moved his autistic brother in his house ( age 59) who has no money, no job, and no resources…. not even discussing it with me first. SO.. they can make each other miserable.. And I will live over here collecting benefits. Win/Win for me — but I will admit.. it is EXHAUSTING listening to him complain about everything under the Sun – be negative and blame the entire World for his situation – how life dealt him a lousy hand.. blah blah. HIs first wife divorced him.
I am # 3.. Grounds?? MENTAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE.
Ladies.. if you don’t have an escape?? GET OUT.. NOW.. He will destroy you. Peace.
I was with mine 17 years finally got married, his retired police officer. I met him after he retired and ex is deceased. Had tight prenup…Now he is at his house dealing with his flying monkeys. I loved and cared for him with all his health issues…..but now he is 80 and I am 68. Reality is becoming increasingly clear…he gets to make choices and has to deal results of those choices.
I’m just learning about all of this. I’ve lived two yrs of this now in new marriage. What a nightmare.
And no…people on the outside don’t get it. He has them all fooled. Its so draining. I’m exhausted all of the time. Silent treated over and over. Cause God forbid no communication when part of problem is them. THEY ARE NEVER WRONG, EVER.
AMEN TO THAT. No, they are NEVER wrong………!!!! Crazymaking at its WORST.
I need some answers although some of my assumptions seemingly point to having a narcissist husband. I just want to make sure.
In our marriage my husband put his time out as more important than anything. He believes that it is the mans job to earn the money and to provide which I can respect however he believes he then has first call to any time out, social time, spending money, how I spend my days or whether I am allowed to work part time etc.
Alarm bells started to ring when I hadn’t gone out in almost three years without the kids in tow (or a drunken husband) and I asked if he could be home around 7 onwards so I could go to a Tupperware party. He refused. He couldn’t believe I would make him do my job while I went out.
From then on I noticed anything I wanted to do randomly like play the guitar or start a flexible part time job with DECS (a huge opportunity for me) he quickly put the foot down and gave me ultimatums … Even trying to play some music he would suggest I am not doing my job as a mother.
My kids are healthy happy well adjusted children with impeccable manners. They wear clean clothes and pajamas every day and even their childcare center tells me what beautiful matured and loving kids I have. Am I living with a narc?
Be aware of anyone who does not let you pursue any of your dreams. It is a method of manipulation and it will not get better with time.
I have just recently realized I’m married to a narcissist and I want a divorce all the things I just read are confirmation. Now what? After 20 yrs. of confusion and red flags, here I am. Thinking I’m numb to it all,and at my age “ starting over” , because the way he “sees” it, – “there’s the door”, Don’t let it ( or should I say, let it) hit you on the way out!!! I am 57yrs. And he has made it clear that he won’t divorce me – so he thinks he has me by the toes- which he has. Until now, I have told several people that can be life lines for me that he is a narcissist. It was empowering to do so. But I’m tired, and lord knows he will be wearing me down till he gets his way!! Oh how I good write a book!
Sounds like it , I too have been dealing with type of behavior for 20 plus years now … it honestly doesn’t get better , he gets different but the same … run if you can ! I know easier said then done !
I’m going through a similar situation. My husband wanted to be the main bread winner however how he uses any chance he gets to use against me. I can’t go anywhere without the kids while he can do whatever whenever he wants. I also have to give him most of my paycheck to help him pay for bills which I don’t mind and I also buy anything the kids need and I buy the weekly groceries but then he yells at me when I don’t buy him big gifts or trips like his friends wives do. He will always put me down saying I’m only good enough to work part time, but my job (a teacher aide) is only part time mon thru Fri 845 to 345. I haven’t talk to my family in years because he didn’t like that they didn’t like him. He will tell me how all of “our” friends are really his friends and they don’t like me and only hang out with us to hang out with him. I will find questionable messages and sites on his phone all the time yet he will always have an excuse and he’s all innocent somehow and I’m the bad guy.
I have been diagnosed with bipolar diease and anytime I question something he does he will always say it’s all in my head and my mental and crazy and hes going to call my doctor to up my meds and I’m lucky he’s still around because everyone else in my life thinks a crazy person. He use to physically abuse me and say how no one will believe me anyway because I have a mental condition. He hasn’t physically hurt me in a few months but the new verbally outbursts are worse then when he was physically.
Just the fact you acknowledge your problem is refreshing and a healing good start. Turn to Jesus Christ as your Lord, receive Him into your heart and he will change you from inside out. Read the Word of God. He is our healer. Let His love flow through you and you will be made whole and have peace and love in your life.
Thank you for writing. I will pray for your healing and bountiful life in Christ. You are on your way to wholeness just by your seeing.. Again, Turn to Jesus our Lord, who created you and gave you life. He is faithful to heal and keep you and lead you into fullness of life. Bless you.
I understand this is about woman and their husbands who are narcissists but I thought seeing things from a different point of view might be good.
I am 18 years old and I admit I am a narcissist.. I found this out recently when In my relationship with my girlfriend, we were constantly arguing and I would see myself always right no matter what, or I’d make it seem like its her fault.
Along with many other symptoms, like not appreciating everything she does for me, me being controlling and manipulative, etc…
I was studying personality disorders when I came to realize how much it felt like it was describing me (not only narcissism but along with other personality disorders. So I tried to see where I got it from, like how I got to be like that , and by looking at.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I developed this from my mother, who is the definition of narcissism. I don’t want to be like this, I’ve tried to change myself and do things differently but I just can’t seem to get myself straight.
I do plan on being a husband one day, but not like the ones you are all describing here, any advice?
I finally escaped from my narcissist police officer husband. I had to flee to my parents house at 4:00am. It’s has been difficult b/c I am 48 and have been living on my own for such a long time.
I am basically starting from scratch, trying to pull my life together. Luckily my sons are in college now, so there are no child custody issues. My husband told me that I was only of value to him if I worked. I couldn’t do anything in our house without being micromanaged. I wasn’t allowed to work on art projects or anything that made me happy because “my art is stupid and no one likes it, etc.”
He however was allowed to sit on the computer for hours on end playing games, most likely visiting sexual dating websites, but I was never allowed to question him or pry. He was also entitled to buy himself anything he wanted. Boats, a motorcycle, camping trailer, Jacuzzi, to name a few. After all, it’s HIS MONEY.
Never mind that I basically single-handedly raised our kids, worked part time as a teacher because I felt worthless if I wasn’t contributing financially to our marriage, did all of the housework, cleaning, cooking, etc. Yet “if only I could change this about me, things would then be perfect in our marriage. I went on antidepressants, I felt like I was losing it. Nothing was ever enough for him. Until one day I realized that he had never said “I’m sorry” to me. I was the only one that said it and apologized. He had conditioned me to take the blame for everything without question.
After we were married, he never once bought me a gift for anything, ever. Nothing for my birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day, etc. I’m done covering for him, he stands alone. He has no respect for me and I finally get it.
EVERYTHING WAS MY FAULT AND WOULD ALWAYS BE MY FAULT. OUR MARRIAGE WAS ONLY ABOUT HIM.
He even put his own selfish needs in front of our children and by the time they were teenagers they were finally able to figure him out. It’s so sad.
I never did anything deceitful in our marriage. It’s only been a month that I’ve been away from his pessimistic, controlling, psychotic behavior but it’s amazing how much of my depression, anxiety and hopelessness has slowly begun to fade. These narcissistic men literally suck the life out of you and will never, ever admit they did anything wrong.
In reading your reply, I kept shaking my head YES. Especially the part where you say the narcissist sucks the life out of you. That is exactly what I say. Keep up the good work. Loving a narcissistic person is soul crushing. Stay strong and do not wavier. There is a life after all of this I promise you.
Don’t let him EVER sucker you back into the relationship. It’s highly likely he will try but don’t be fooled. They DO NOT change.
My husband of 12 years is a narcissist. It took a police officer to tell me.
We had an argument and I was so angry because he talked to other women. Yes, I was wrong for saying it but I said f*** you in the middle of the argument. He pushed me and I hit my head on the wall. He wasn’t even sorry, but told me that he will call the police on me so they can lock me up and he can get rid of me for a while.
He really thought he didn’t do anything wrong and called the police. When the police showed up they arrested him. The police officers told me that after so many years dealing with domestic violence it is easier to spot people like him. I was so surprised, because everyone thinks he is such an outgoing, nice, happy, wonderful person, and I am the negative one, because I struggle with anxiety and depression and don’t talk to to many people.
He pulled everyone in his family on his side with his lies and I don’t talk about what is going on in our house, but at least the police didn’t fall for his lies.
My husband is a narcissist also. We have been together for almost 12 painful years. We are raising three kids and I stay at home and I’m trying to figure out a way to leave.
He has no empathy or human compassion at all. He gives me the silent treatment for reasons that are “imagined” and treats me with hostility. He expects me to serve him and answer to his beck and call.
When I confront him with our problems he is never ever sorry and expects me to stay with him no matter how he treats me. He is verbally abusive and difficult. He thinks the world revolves around his needs. He never helps me out at home at all and expects me to do everything.
I am full of grief for marrying this man. I pray for my life to be at peace everyday. I just don’t see how one human being could be so selfish and self centered and evil. I feel for all of you ladies that commented.
I feel like a human slave that is tortured daily. I just want freedom. I told him I wanted a divorce and he says he will not sign the papers. I need to save money so I can get away but it is tough being dependent on him and we don’t have much money.
Still I will not give up hope that one day he will be gone….
I have just discovered after 19 years how abusive my narcissistic husband has been. He has always been emotionally abusive (silent treatment whenever I told him something he didn’t want to hear) but recently became extremely verbally and physically abusive after he found out that he had cancer.
It was stage 2 and he’s undergone emergency surgery and chemo but it was me who was to pay the ultimate price. He and his father (another narc) blamed me for his cancer (even though it was hereditary) and any recurrences that he may have. He held me hostage in our car and told me that he was going to kill us both by driving into a concrete barricade, which was no more than 500 feet in front of me. He accelerated and grabbed my arm and said that “I wasn’t going anywhere”. I managed to wiggle out of his death grip and was standing on the floorboards of our SUV when he realized that he wouldn’t be able to go through with his murder/suicide.
I was ready to jump from a vehicle going 60 mph and die than to die from his hand. He was so in control of his actions that he very calmly pulled the car off to the side of the road and let me out.
Four months later I found evidence that he was cheating. I told him that I was going to call 911 and he then felt it was his duty to whack me in the face with a pillow and follow me into a bedroom. When I tried to leave the room he grabbed me and threw me into a wall and said “oh no, you’re not going anywhere.” Luckily, I had told me teenage sons that if they ever heard me screaming to come help me. Literally two minutes later, my son was banging at the door. My husband opened the door as if nothing had happened.
I had to leave the state and my two sons to get away. Never in my life would I have imagined that things would get this bad. I wish that I had been informed because I would have left a long time ago. He’s a cop and has always told me that he would lie and that nobody would ever believe me. What a piece of crap.
I incorrectly stated that I was going to call 911 after I found out that he was cheating. What actually happened was that when confronted my husband with the cheating allegations, he whacked me in the face as hard as he could with a pillow.
It was then that I threatened to call 911. When he realized that I meant business, he then followed me into a bedroom and tried to keep me captive.
Sorry for the confusion.
When you explain how you were accused of being the reason to your husbands cancer, you also state it was hereditary. It shows how deep these words seep into your mind. NO ONE COULD GIVE ANOTHER CANCER.
Thanks for responding. The allegations that he has thrown at me are completely, totally, irrational. He even said that if he has a recurrence, it will be my fault!
I am an intelligent woman and I have been to a therapist, read tons and tons of books on the subject of narcissism and yet his words still hurt me. He and his father said that it was the stress that I put on my husband that gave him cancer. OMG. I told him that if stress caused cancer, I’d be a walking tumor.
These people are so horrible, insidious and vile, yet they expect you to be OK and nice to them the next day. It’s been a month and a half since I’ve left and I can’t believe how good I feel.
I sooooo loved your statement “if stress caused cancer, I’d be a walking tumor.” It made me laugh and I really needed that…
I left my narcissistic lover 2 months ago. I still love him, but trying to control myself for my better future.
STAY AWAY!!!
Same here I left a narcissistic eight months ago.he was so manipulating, physical and emotionally abusive. We married for two years but all was full of tears and heartbreaks he treated me badly because of another girl I forgaved him,secondly he brought another woman into our house as I was out bussy working I found them the woman was hidden under our matrimonial bed n still he said they did nothing…until today I live with unanswered question…,.I left the house with my staffs he is begging me to gt back into his life I feel I love him but doubtinh. Will he ever change?should I give him a last chance or move on without him?……
Reading your stories and this article makes me shake my head and think of how stupid I’ve been. I was raised in an abusive home with a controlling Jehovah Witness mother. I got out, married someone I thought would be my partner for life but after being married for 25 years, having 4 children (12-18) and trying desperately to have or maintain some degree of independence, I’m getting out.
I knew things weren’t right for a long time but hung in there “for the kids”. I, as well as my children, have been berated, lied to, manipulated, disrespected….everything….EVERYTHING that the websites describe as being a narcissist. For way too long, I have been emotionally abused, led to believe every problem we had was my fault, never receiving an apology for his mistakes.
Instead, I’ve always been told it’s me or “us”. He never took personal responsibility for anything. Someone stated they can’t even use the bathroom alone….yep, that’s me. He will barge into the bathroom regardless of what I’m doing.
I have no privacy at all and if I lock the door, I’m accused of being “hostile” and he gets a screwdriver to let himself in. Like someone else said….I did my best to the be ultimate perfect mother….house always clean, dinner on the table at the right time, the right kind of meals he requested, etc. but it was never good enough.
My kids would see his behavior and I’d joke that if I make him happy, I’d get my gold star. I made light of it so that it wouldn’t affect them, but it has. My kids are all good kids….honor students, athletic, very involved in school activities, etc. yet he will berate them, call them liars, cut them down, etc.
It’s not been a secret that I’ve been unhappy for many years, yet when I filed for divorce, I’m being told that I never tried. He has now resorted to telling the kids I have mental problems, telling the neighbors the same and working at turning people against me. I feel stupid for enabling his behavior and going along with him all these years to keep the peace. My kids even told me I needed to “do something and divorce him”. Typical mother guilt….I feel responsible for subjecting them to a dysfunctional home.
I’ve “covered” for his behavior, rationalized, explained, spun….you name it….but it’s exhausting for me mentally and I cannot continue. I’ve not been “allowed” to work, I was to be the stay at home mother and be home when he walks through the door after work. He won’t enlist the kids to help me with chores, instead he will suggest that he take them out so I can clean while they’re gone.
Like others, I made a plan….started a business, saved every penny from garage sales, gift money, etc. and when I achieved my goal of $20K, I got a lawyer. I’m in the middle of Hell right now and I keep reading how it’s for the best for everyone involved, but it’s hard to feel that way at the moment.
We both came from dysfunctional homes, said we’d give our children the life we never had (and in some ways I have)…and after all the years of feeling used, I’m done.
My heart goes out to anyone who has lived like this. It’s demeaning, controlling and abusive. I’m 46 and about to start over, but I know I can do it.
For anyone who has doubts….I will say this….if you want something bad enough, you’ll do anything to get it. Live the life you were meant to live and let nothing hold you back.
Thanks for letting me vent. It’s an emotional morning for me and reading your posts made me feel good. Thank you.
I am 39, the kids are 7 and 4. You are right ahead of me. That’s what I said to myself.
I’m staying for the kids. I am not sure that it is the best. Some days I want out.
My narcissist is a different type, controlling but not physically. Emotional control, lack of attention, ignoring, only interested in his own needs. He won’t even talk to me about the kids. He says it is my fault.
It’s hard to live this way. I haven’t been with someone who hasn’t listened before. That’s why you get a boyfriend, someone that listens if you have something to say.
So we’re together 13 years. I’ve been working for him for 17 years, living together 8 years.
I am in hell, but have no courage to start new. Right now I know what he is for last 4 month and I first thought, I should leave before I will have no soul.
Where I live I don’t have a family, so I have no where to go, no job since I work for him still. It’s hard.
On the other hand if I’m staying I get paid well, so I can save money. Meanwhile the kids will grow and it will make more sense to leave. It’s hard to tell what I should do. Thanks.
Good for you!
First, I am so sorry that so many girls get caught by these narcissists. I have been wondering, I have been married to one for 13 years,like everybody knows the word HELL is quite applicable.
Something that really bothered me was the type of relationship my ex-narcissist had with his brother and his mother. It always seemed so unnatural, too close, weird. The things and hurt we went through was terrible and for the girls who is at this moment going through all that, thoughts and prayers are with you!
This is a global thing – I just wonder what happened to these “PEOPLE”? There is definitely something inside of them that knows how to give love / or show love but only just for a while. Can’t these men get sent to institutions just so that they can be out of reach of woman & children.
After so many years with a narcissist that was very badly behaved, my health started to give. He had NO empathy what so ever.
According to him I was just sitting. It wasn’t the case, I was to scared to sit for 5min in a day because everything had to be perfect. I had Parkinson’s disease for 6 years before I told him, he didn’t take it well at all – but funny enough I couldn’t take his persona anymore.
Please girls, don’t stay too long – we are not made to be door-mats. Be careful and take care!
I have been married to a Narc for 12 years. I am just starting to put the whole thing together. He has always been stupid selfish. And o ly about himself. He has 3 kids that he has had no issue walking away from as it suits him, and he is NEVER to blame.. He manipulates people like they are pupets. Including me. Sex is a manipulation. It is on his terms, and the way he wants it. Absolutely no intimacy. Ever.. But he has never been violent. Thankfully.
The portion of this comment about him being “too close” to his mother hit home for me. He is obsessed with her. He has always manipulated her tpo. But he calles her to feed his ego at least 6 times a day.. It is creepy..
I am making a plan. And getting myself a plan. Please pray for me.
I was married to a narcissistic husband for 27 years and finally got out. There was nothing I could do or say to make him different, and any amount of therapy wouldn’t help much either, because the narcissist person lives in a bubble, (the ME bubble) and isn’t able to step out of that bubble long enough to see that there’s a bubble.
The world revolves around them, and everyone in their life is there to meet their needs. My husband’s mother was a narcissist, so I’m wondering if it’s an inherited trait or if he learned it from her. The saddest thing to me was to watch my kids grow up with a narcissistic father whose needs and wants were always ahead of their own…missing their school programs because he wanted to go fishing is just one example.
My husband was sexually abusive, and I have started a blog on the topic: debbie-pinkston.blogspot.com. I’m also writing an eBook about sexual abuse in marriage, hopefully ready at the end of the year. I would love to hear more from those of you whose narcissistic husbands were also sexually abusive.
Stay strong, hold on to your “self”, no matter what he does or says. And although I’m not an advocate for divorce, it was the right thing after 27 years. I might have left sooner if I had realized what I was dealing with early on. I was young and didn’t know the signs.
Best wishes to you all!
Debbie
Hi Debbie,
I am in the process of divorcing my Narcissistic husband. You asked for comments about sexual abuse. There was no passion involved with having sex with him.
For him it was get right to it and get it over with. No kissing or showing love. He never said “I love you” and I usually received the cold shoulder afterward. That certainly is a form of sexual abuse but it wasn’t violence.
Do you suppose that is normal with these types of men?
I grew up the only child of a narcissistic mother. I ran away, joined the military and ran straight into my first husband. He swept me off my feet, I thought he loved me more then anything in the world.
I married him 4 months after meeting him. It didn’t take long for his true self to emerge, but being so insecure and fearful of abandonment (gee, thanks mommy), I put up with his abuse and actually begged him to stay when he threatened to leave me.
After 17 years I was totally beaten down emotionally and he did me the best favor he ever could have, he left me for good. I managed to pick up the pieces of my life and start over.
5 years later and I still have extreme self esteem issues that I go to a therapist for, but I’m so much better then I was with those two people in my life.
It’s amazing how damaging their abuse is, and yet no one on the outside can see it, they think the narcissist is a great guy, a fun and outgoing person, and why is his wife always so morose looking?
There should be a home where they lock narcissists up together and let them eat away at each other instead of infest the rest of us.
RedClover,
I got a laugh at your last line, there should be a home where they lock all narcissists up and let them eat away at each other! That’s really a great idea! It would be extremely entertaining to watch them deal with each other, each trying to be the center of the world.
I’m sorry for your pain, both with your mother and your husband. He actually did you a favor when he left, although it must have been very painful. Now someone else gets to put up with him.
Best wishes as you recover and build your self-esteem.
Redclover, I loved reading your post..
Your last line is so freaking hilarious. If only we could do it!! I recently broke up with a bf – it was the last straw. He actually blamed me for something he did and refused to believe he could do wrong.
Then he got physical. Then justified his behavior of course so I am the wacky nut job.
It’s hard dealing with any break-up especially when there were some really good moments. But his bad moments were terrorizing so I know life with him is not for me. Thank you everyone for the posts..
LOL my mom is a narcissist and my husband is too. Each day I am shattering. It’s been two years of my marriage and before that my mommy was there to crush me.
I am in a painful situation. I live in a society where divorce is a great shame. I just want to run away.
He is making me sick each day and besides he has another trait of proving that i am shameless and once even he made a story of me having an affair with some college guy because I just once said in front of him that i don’t like the guy. He accused me that I still have contact with him. When I confronted him he was with no answer and just said that one of his ex said something bad about my character. Plus he is disrespectful. He doesn’t care about my needs, and when he has to show off he will buy food stuffs and take me to my moms place, never takes me to doctor.
When I cry too much then he just takes me out which is also full of insults. Otherwise i am locked up in the house. He is professionally qualified and it seems I am just illiterate.
I was a brilliant student and couldn’t study and get good grades because of my mom and now because of this miserable life. And I’m also living with a harsh mother in law. It’s a pathetic situation.
People don’t support me. I don’t know where to run or what will happen otherwise to my life. I wish i could die. All you ladies who are over their abusive husbands are the luckiest of all.
Please pray for me anyone who reads the article.
love u all
Praying for you and I get it ! Trust me !!! It seems there is no way out and if I tried I know he will either kill me or not leave quietly and of course it will be because I cheated or something can’t be that he is the cause … god reason all these it all sounds so familiar !!!!
For 6 years, I have lived in hell. I tried to be the perfect wife. I catered to his every need, I feed his ego, worked overtime, cleaned and tried to keep myself “in shape” for him.
While I was doing extra hours to keep us afloat, he was was watching baseball with his brother. When I came in, he ask what was for dinner and joked about me looking so “tired”. When I tired to tell him about my day, he stared and said, “I don’t understand your job and don’t want to hear about it.”
The first words out of his mouth were , “When do I get my ____job?” He called me selfish and said I was “no good” and I should be “thankful” for him.
I ask him to please get a part time job, but he said he could make more money just doing his computer internet sales, on his own hours, going in at 10am or later, depending on what time the games were over the previous night.
Now he is taking a new job in California, from Virginia. I can not go because I have a son here who has to finish high school and he is leaving 2 sons as well, but he says their mom can take care of them just fine.
He says he is looking forward to his new “freedom”.
I am looking forward to my new divorce…
Dear Kim,
You remind me of myself and my life many years ago. I was married and we had 2 small sons. I worked hard to do everything all 4 of us needed… and to perfection. I was the perfect wife, mother, housekeeper, nurse, social organizer, cook, and maid. My husband never gave me credit for anything, nor a compliment, and I did a great job. I was so devoted.
I was never happy, and he didn’t care. I tried everything to get his attention or just to talk or listen to me. Nothing. I went to 2 churches, 2 marriage counselors, his family, and even the police (he was rageful and violent at times), but no one would do anything with him. I had to do it. For years I told him I would leave, if I had a place to go or if I had the money to go. He would laugh (and didn’t believe it).
Well, I finally did leave, and it was scary. But the kid’s and my lives were miserable. I had to do it. And it wasn’t easy surviving financially because I had no job for a while. But eventually I did.
What I want you to know is that life got so much better, without his abuse! The kids were happier, and I was too.
Fighting him in court was horrible. I was young and not wise to the outside world, especially the legal world.
My wish for you is first to remember that you are good person being ABUSED by him. This is not normal behavior and should not be tolerated by anyone.
Stop worrying about his needs. Start putting your needs first. Take care of yourself! Maybe contact a women’s domestic violence shelter to find out what services they have for you. Make a “plan”. Save money. Make a list or copies of all of your joint finances, insurances, important documents, etc. (Get all your “ducks in a row” before you leave. Get a consult with a lawyer (its usually free) to find out your legal rights.
In a nutshell, start looking out for you. He won’t, and you will need to from here on out. You can do it! You will find that people treat you with so much more respect that he does. He is intimidating you. You need to gather information (and keep everything to yourself). He is the “enemy” now, and you need to protect yourself and your kids.
Good luck to you, Kim.
Congratulations Kim, at least he is leaving on his own. I have been married to a narcissist for 14 years and I just recently found out that what narcissism is.
Prior to having married this man, I lived in a very dysfunctional and abusive environment with my mother, so I can tell you that I have spent 99.9% of my life in abusive relationships. I really married my husband for love but that quickly turned around. There is nothing that I can do to get him to leave.
Just like your husband, he doesn’t work, he quit his job without even speaking to me about it. He forced me to work 9 years in an extremely horrible place and wouldn’t let me switch jobs.
He is very cruel, he has taken everything that brings joy to my life including my independence. I can barely go to the bathroom by myself. I don’t know if your narcissist is controlling.
I can honestly tell you that I wish you the best and I really think that your life will only get better now that he is out of it.
My narcissist talks about wanting freedom too, according to him I am horrible but he wont leave. I would really give all I have for him to find another woman and leave!
I really hope you run and hide from him so if he tries to come back he cant. You and your kids will be much better without him.
Dear Kim,
Today is the first time I read about narcissistic husbands and I can not express how thankful I am to learned about this sickness.
I’ve been married to this man who has made my life hell. I could not understand what had happen to “him” “us” or “me” that our relationship had changed very much.
When I began dating my husband my life was beautiful, full of happiness. He had done so many things that no one had ever done for me. He swept me off my feet. Took me to many places, bought me the most beautiful items, treated me like a queen. I mean it was so beautiful that I remember telling him “please never change”.
My girlfriends and family would always tell me how jealous they were of me and how lucky I was for having a man like him in my life. But then reality happened.
The day after our wedding the first thing out of his lips was “when we get back your payroll needs to come to me” and many other things he had said that I couldn’t believe it. It was like the man I’ve been sleeping with had turn into a stranger. The days turn into weeks, weeks into months and then years and my life had just gotten worst.
Its been 8 years now and I am just learning about this horrible sickness. I had always questioned myself, what happened to us? what DID I did wrong? How can I change this to better? And in between the number one question why?
Many times I tried asking him for us to do counseling but he tells me that “I’m the one with the problem” or that I need to fix my issues first” according to him he doesn’t need it.. or that “I’m stupid” “I’m an ignorant woman” and many more negative nasty words he has said that had brought my self-esteem to the floor.
I’m afraid and want to get out of this relationship but it is so difficult to do so. One day I’m a strong woman the next day I’m this woman who has no control over herself. I’ve tried to be the perfect wife, but nothing that I do seems to be right for him. It’s so hard to get through my mind that my marriage is over! I know I need to walk out but can someone tell me what and how do I do this?
All this time I lived a life telling myself how everything has been my fault. Today I learned that it is not me it is HE who has problems.
Please someone explain to me what are the steps I need to take for the best of myself and my children.
I hope you have dealt with this. As one attorney told me: “You think it’s fun now? Wait till you’re 60!” I am a Christian and don’t believe in divorce. I also don’t believe in abuse. My alcoholic husband finally left with one of his women – and then I married a narcissist!!! I am 65 – with nowhere to go, and too old to get a decent job!! I’m trapped! My only hope for relief is death. Do you really want to wait that long?
I can’t believe I am so overjoyed to find out my ex was a Narcissist. It explains everything that was so psychotic in my marriage. It’s such a revelation, that it has freed me from my COMPLETE CONFUSION.
I always thought he was Bi-Polar (you know the extreme highs and lows of anger) then I watched a show on Date Line about a Narcissist. I thought I wonder what a Narcissist is? I looked it up and obsessively read as many sites as possible. He wasn’t a few characteristics, he was all of them and on every site I read.
I feel for any woman I see with him. I know I can’t intervene and I have to let people learn their own lessons. Wow what a lesson (O my god) your right its impossible to explain to anyone.
I wish my friends that I have separated myself from (because he stayed with that crowd) could understand what I went through. I felt like I was going thru a silent nervous break down every day of my life. I want him to show his colors, so they get it.
I have separated myself because I knew (way before I found out he was a Narcissist) I needed to stay away from him because at any opportunity he would chew me up, spit me out and still to this day cause me grief. I can never be around him.
I did learn on your sites to ignore him if we end up in the same place. There is no beating him, it’s about me and making myself safe. He doesn’t get it anyway.
I’d like to talk more with others about this. I have healing to accomplish and everything I read from experts and victims make me stronger and I WILL BE THERE FOR OTHERS AS I NOW WHAT TO LOOK FOR. J
OMG this web site is so true. I have been married to a man who has all the symptoms of a narcissist personality disorder for 6 years. I have never been so drained in a relationship, so many lies deception sneaking around i found out he has a website that he looking for a relationship. I confronted him about this and as usual he lied and said someone must be setting him up.
He is very evil he does mean things he has never apologize for any wrong that he’s done in the 6 year relationship. He gives me the silent treatment for days if I confront him about his actions. There is no getting through to him.
I also found him dating on line chatting to other females. I read all the messages these girls were sending to him. It just was devastating and so painful. This was one of the worst pains I ever felt in life. I cried for days. I have been so depressed I couldn’t eat for days.
I also was having anxiety attacks. I felt like I was going crazy. I just couldn’t take it any more so I moved out while he was at work. I am much happier now.
Hi Gloria. I just read your comment. I also had a 6 year relationship. I was slowly falling apart. Questioning myself all the time. I was given the silent treatment for weeks on end. If i confronted him I would end up on the other side of the room. Then he would proceed to tell me how it was my fault.
I also had anxiety attacks to the point i could not drive myself to work or go to a supermarket I was a woman who raised a child on her own. Bought her own home. I am 51 yrs old trying to get my life back to normal but still do not understand how i fell for him. Raising my daughter on my own was easier then the 6 yrs I spent with him.
Lyn
Oh yes. All this and more. Almost 40 yrs now. I thought i could make it work, i feel like i can wait it out until our son turns 18, but damn! He grumbles about everything. And if i complain about anything he goes ballistic. Ive been with him since i was 18. He was such a egomaniac when we met and very sexual. He expected me to keep him horny all the time. He was into porn pretty heavy. I didnt realize it was a big problem until after we were married. After menopause i cut him off. I would get hot flashes just touching in bed. and he was not really able anyway.. Of course he would blame me… Now he plays games on his computer as soon as he wakes up and plays probably 6 hrs a day. He provides for us but spends money on his whims online while im at work. I’m sure he has a drug addiction too. He smokes 3 pks of cig a day 12 pk of beer a day. I stopped getting his cigs because every time he was out 1st thing in the morning, late at night, while im busy he expected me to go get them. Things have gone from bad to worse. He’s so upset because “I’m his wife and I should jump when he says so”. I have set a boundary and he can’t handle that. Now I have gone gray rock and stay away as much as I can. I am pleasant, I’m at peace, I work 4 hrs a day to get out a little. And i am so ready to get out for good. I don’t want to lose my home, but I do need to get my affairs in order and… i worry that my son will be left to take care of him. And that man that wrote in.. Sounds like a real narc. Blaming, poor me, and yeah lots of problems. But hey 1st step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I like the comment from Renee. Spot on. Cassie tho, A lot of compassion, but clueless. 5 yrs? Really.? I was there once upon a time.. Come back in 20 let us know if you have run yet.